The Night Before My Surgery
In July, I received news that I had a large mass on my left kidney which was cancerous. I was scheduled for surgery to have my kidney removed. Most of this post was written on August 23rd, the night before my surgery. I offer it here to those who may be going through an extreme trial.
“God will never permit anything to happen to us that is not for our greater good.” –St Padre Pio
As I sit here and write the night before my surgery, I see four options as to how tomorrow will unfold:
The surgery goes well and the doctor feels confident that he removed all the cancer.
The cancer is much worse than expected once the surgeon gets in there and a cure is no longer possible.
I don’t make it through the surgery.
Surgery gets delayed for one reason or another.
It should be pretty obvious which option I prefer. But what if I don’t get my way? What if there’s a lot more suffering ahead of me? Can I trust in Padre Pio’s words? Is this really for a greater good?
There are times in my life where I’ve had the opportunity to witness how God works through suffering to bring about a greater good. I remember going through some tough pre-season conditioning when I played basketball in high school. It was easy to see how that suffering led to the greater good of being able to compete at my highest level during the season. Most of the time though, when it comes to suffering, the greater good is completely hidden to me. In the case of my cancer, I have no idea how God is going to bring good out of it. In my heart, I want to trust God in the midst of this storm but my heart wavers when I start thinking about possibly having to leave my family. I feel the weight of all the unknowns bearing down on me.
Just when I feel like I’m about to break, I look at the crucifix and Jesus hanging on the cross. None of what He went through made sense to His apostles or other believers at the time. But it was His willingness to bear our sins and undergo the crucifixion that finally broke the hold that sin and death had over all of us. Out of the greatest suffering came the greatest good the world has ever known. And it only came about because Jesus placed His trust in the Father’s plan for Him. I can tell right now, He’s asking me to do the same.
So, I do my best to surrender my will to God’s, to place my trust in Him. I tell God that I want to be cured of this cancer if possible but if not, I will offer Him my suffering so He can use it to bring about something good. To be honest, it doesn’t feel like my heart is really in it. In my anguish, I picture Jesus in the garden praying, “Father if it is possible let this cup pass me by but not my will but your will be done.” Then, in my heart, I hear God tell me how much He loves me. He’s asking me to trust Him and His plan for my life. He assures me that a whole host of people in heaven and on earth are with me in this struggle. With this comes peace and an ability to make a more heartfelt surrender. I will probably have to do this many more times in the months to come, but at this moment, I feel nothing but His peace. I’m ready for tomorrow.